Never being enough. Being replaceable. Not being wanted. 

THOSE were the daunting and depressing thoughts that I chased away daily as a young woman.  I never looked twice at myself in the mirror.  I never questioned if I was beautiful or loved.  I was pretty secure and confident for a 13 year old.  All credit to my parents for that! They however, were not responsible for my insecurities. While I wasn’t struggling with straight mascara lines, or perfect selfie lighting… I had a deep rooted fear of not being enough. Still do, in fact. But I’ve learned how to tame it. God even SAYS “You are enough” I don’t know how much more direct it needs to be.  

I have a tendency to bring pain upon myself in order to ease the pain of others.  In all of my early friendships I was always sacrificing things to make them happy or feel better, I was in all sorts of uncomfortable situations so that they would simply smile.  I’m proud to say that I never went against my own beliefs or morals to please someone else, but I got close a few times.  I’m a people pleaser.  I love joy.  I crave joy.  Meaning that when those around me are in pain, I want to bring them joy, and ease the hurt, any way that I can. 

Don’t light yourself on fire trying to brighten someone else’s existence
— A wise friend

Ouch. That was exactly what I had been doing. Sadly, sometimes torching myself didn’t even work. My friends would smile and be fine for a bit, but deep down I knew that I am NOT the one who can ease pain. That’s not my gift. I embraced that quote and vowed to be more self caring and conscious of my own limits. Though I would walk across the world a dozen times to save a friend, I seriously needed boundaries. 

When I got married, those fears of not being enough resurfaced after years of slumber.  I wanted to be everything for my husband, I never wanted him to feel that he needed to look elsewhere for respect.  I knew he loved me, but I feared that someday he would get bored of me and look for love somewhere else. That if I didn’t make dinner everyday, have a clean house, and everything in order… I would be failing him somehow and therefor not enough for him.  

Luckily, I married a gracious and loving man.  It didn’t take long for him to show me those notions were ridiculous and helped me accept that his love wasn’t going anywhere. 

Much like my husband, God keeps trying to tell me that I am enough.  I don’t have to stretch myself to the ends of the earth to please them. They love me. End of story

Be encouraged.  You are enough.  You are MORE than enough.  Your kind heart and need to help others is a blessing, but do not let it consume your fire.  Remember that you cannot be replaced.  You are wanted and loved by more people than you know.  The God of the universe cherishes your soul! You are Wildly beautiful and no one can take that away from you or make you feel like you need to be anything more than you are.

-Carlee

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